Thanksgiving.. Alot to be thankful for...

Well folks.. Its that time of year again! Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving usually goes down as the 'holiday season kick off' in my mind. I always know that as soon as I hit my turkey coma I am listening to holiday tunes the very next weekend. And as some of you know, if you have read my 'lets start off' blog posting.. I was just diagnosed during the holidays last year. I found out I was sick just a few short days before Thanksgiving last year. I will never forget that thanksgiving in 2007.

Last year was 'Thanksgiving on Cancer'. It was absolutely horrible. I had just found out about my diagnosis about 4 or 5 days before- and I had plans to go to my moms house with my two uncles for turkey dinner- but when my mom found out- she went into mommy mode and only wanted to grab the holiday OT and help me with my bills and whatever I was going to need. I was feeling too crazy to cook a turkey dinner for just myself and my uncles- and the rest of my family (6 uncles, 5 aunts and a million or so 1st and 2nd cousins)they were all doing different things. We used to all get together when my grams was alive- she was the superwoman superglue. But now that she's gone & I never see anyone anymore. So it was me and my Uncle Pat- and my boyfriend joined us after visiting his mothers house. We ended up at some diner for turkey. BLEH. I don't remember what diner- bc it was that horrible. It was the absolute worst thanksgiving I will ever have. And I will make it a point to have a huge family and be that superwoman superglue my grams was- Just because of that diner turkey! Never again.

This year.. Turkey day 2008. No cancer.. and still BLEH. But for a different reason.

I've been told that Thanksgiving eve is the 'biggest party night of the year'. Hmm. Well I didn't go out and celebrate last year, which was the first year I could have, turning 21 and all. So this year... I am making it a point that n o t h i n g will be the same from last year- So whoo hoo!

Party Time.

I've been a little broke these days- remission in a recession stinks. It has been a little hectic- So I was actually debating whether to stay in and cook apple pies- or to go out and have a drink. My friends convinced me (thank god!) to go out. I got all dressed up or 'hussified' as I'd like to call it and had a little budget in my pocket of what I could spend. Asta La Vista Budget money... 20$ cover fee just at the door.. uugggh. I didn't even want to go out- intially. So my friend Jackie- decided to be my boyfriend and cover -the cover. Then when I got in- my other friends had shots and drinks already ready and waiting. (I have the best friends, don't i?) Well.. needless to say- I got completely wacked out of my mind. I do not advise getting hammered pre, post, or during cancer treatments- bc the alcohol actually screws up your body's ph and makes your whole body very acidic which is the perfect enviroment for cancer cell production. Google it. =)

But Fuck it. I need a fucking drink. I do not remember parts of the night, thanks to my new friends Malibu, Lemon drops, Patron and Vodka. And thanks to those 'new friends' it took me the whole morning and most of the afternoon to be able to stomach even making the horderves. I did not eat a single thing on Thanksgiving day. Not a s i n g l e thing. =)

But it was completely worth it.

So 2 years down, 1 diner, 1 turkey I didn't eat- A cancer my body fought, and 2 holiday seasons that will inevitably always be remembered- I am chuckling to myself at these things that happen to us. Like my grams always used to say "It is easier to make mistakes than to fix them.. So have fun, wear a smile, and try not to get into too much trouble tonight hun."

=) Megan

Save My Ass. - For Men...

Men and women are two very different species. Yes species. I want to stray from cancer blogging for a sec and just share with you a website I stumbled across. It is PURE GENIUS!

Save My Ass.

Save My Ass is a website- probably thought up by forgetful ex boyfriends that saw a market for other forgetful men. This website is a flower delivery service run off of a budget amount set and dates to remember. SO you would for example enter in you and your boyfriend/girlfriend's anniversary, birthday, valentines etc. Or a once a month delivery at random- and Flowers will be sent out and automatically billed to you- so if you forget the date.... This website would Save Your Ass.

I thought it was so ingenius I had to share.

If I wanna be a gem and tie in the cancer subject.. this could possibly go down as a great cancer gifting idea for the husband, wife, friend etc. And just send flowers at random every month for the period of time they're sick... or you can set the flowers to be delivered on the dates of your/their no-cancer anniversary.

Small advisory- for these forgetful men. If you break up with the chick.. man.. what have you- and you do not cancel this service.. You probably will find yourself in a very akward situation.. so try to remember to cancel if that is the case.

Otherwise... Have your ass saved. =)

-Megan

Ipod shuffle mix game

I have always taken rides in my car to think. Always. My friends and I used to love just taking a ride down ocean parkway by the beaches to either just to talk or smoke or what have you.. but we always listen to our favorite songs and sing for the entire ride. I loved going for rides in my car when I was sick because 1. I never got out and this was a way to get out without dealing with peoples reactions to my baldness etc. 2. I could scream and sing to songs as loud as I wanted =) So I created a little game of the 'shuffle songs' option on an ipod. It will select songs from your entire music collection at random. So we started asking the ipod questions... and the songs would be our answer... this is todays ride questions and answers (songs) playlist!

1. Joanna's future relationship: 'No Time For Tears'

2. How Joanna's 'crush' feels: Avril Lavigne 'Hot'

3. Megans Hizzle convos: Katy Perry 'Waking Up In Vegas'

4. Megan & Rob: Jimmy Buffett 'Turning Around'

5. What should we eat: Salt N Peppa 'Lets Talk About Sex'

6. Joannas sex life: Paramore 'Hallelujah'

7.Megans next year: Thelma Houston 'Dont Leave Me This Way'

8. Joannas next year: Justin Nozuka 'Criminal'

9. Our 'fun day': 'Aint nothing gunna break my stride' Men At Work

10. Joannas love life 'Love lockdown' Kanye

11. Megans love life: 'Golden train' Justin Nozuka

12. Our party song: 'The Good Life' Kanye

13. Megans Cancer song: 'That I Would Be Good' Alanis Morissette

14. What we both need in our lives: 'Harder Better Faster Stronger" Daft Punk

-Megan

A new beginning...

Last year TODAY.. I was diagnosed! I heard the words through a phoneline "Hodgkins Lymphoma" and my entire life changed. I am so grateful for what this year has given me. I have not only changed my outlook on life and my goals- I just see things and people differently.

Life is short. So short. It is beautiful and unforgiving. It tossles you around and throws the oddest curves. I have tried the sympathetic character, I have done the crazy unraveling girl.. I find myself awakening today as the solid rock. The ode to my grandmother. I wannabe that superwoman that she was and still is to most that knew her. I am refreshed and smiling today. I figured I would share. =)

So.. with thanksgiving right around the corner.. I am just smiling.

This is going to be a GREAT year.

-Megan

Love on Cancer...

My love life on cancer was non existent! I would have figured that if -I was single during the whole process... But I had a boyfriend of 3 years. I do not know what happened to him during my whole battle- He did stay by my side physically- but mentally and emotionally I was a loner. Now that everything is over.. I have been patiently waiting for things to 'get back to normal' And what frustrates me even more- is some days with him I see glimpses of what we had before. I figure.. he's stressed out from bills piling up- I did have cancer and am in remission during a freakin recession! I lost my job, his dad had cancer the same time I did, and he's a mortgage broker..... So right there = stress. But am I just making excuses for the person I remember? Can it still be salvagable? Or do I have to move on.. Am I an idiot for even wanting to stay with someone who wasn't there for me while I was sick? Should I want someone stronger? Or are these all just selfish thoughts?

I am definately a mess about this lately. Everything is starting to heal over... except the one thing I never wanted to get damaged through all of this.

uhhhhh! Figured I would share bc I have to get it out somewhere.

I really feel like the only cancer x that is going through this.. annnddd it sucks!

-Megan

Definately Not Acceptable!

Ok so I was reading my fellow cancer bloggers recent entries- and came across a story told by another Meaghan. She was venting about a comment her mothers coworker said about her cervical cancer. CLICK ON THIS TO READ HER POST!

Reading this story just makes me so amazed at the audacity of some people. The blatant ignorance, and the rudeness - are just completely NOT ACCEPTABLE! If you do not know how certain cancers form.... research. We live in a modern world of search engines and tons of info at our fingertips. So this blog- is an ode to fighters like Meaghan- dealing with IDIOTS like her mothers coworker. With certain cancers are certain stigmas- so lets just clear some of this up right now!!! Shall we?


First of all.. I'll start with Cervical Cancer.


Now I am definately not an authority on Cervical Cancer- but I got a knot in my stomach when I hear people think you only 'contract' cervical cancer because of sexual activity referencing cervical cancer fighters as; sluts. First of all we all know certain sexually transmitted diseases such as HPV, HIV, and Chlamydia can form into cervical cancer- but that DOES NOT mean that because women are sexually active- and were to accidentally contract any of these things; would mean they were sluts. When everyone is of age- we all have sex. So I do not want to hear it. Even if their cervical cancer did come from these sexually tranmitted diseases- DOES NOT mean that these women deserved 'what they got'. So I DO NOT want to hear that ignorance either. Besides these stigmas we all know- Cervical Cancer can be caused by habits such as smoking, poor diet, not visiting the OBGYN regularly, THE PILL, GENES!! and even some women who have had multiple pregnancies ie; 4-5 children.. you have a higher risk of cervical cancer. And having any of these diseases or risk factors DOES NOT mean this person is a S L U T. So put a cork in it =)

Stop being ignorant and research one of the top killers for women. Hopefully because of people like Meaghan- People like you (mommys coworker's) children and their children won't have to fight like she has.


LUNG CANCER

Lung cancer claims over 90,000 men and
45,000 women each year.
But DID YOU KNOW
Even though 90% of men and 80% of women who have lung cancer was caused by smoking- DOES NOT mean that all lung cancer patients were smokers. Lung cancer can also be caused by: radon gases, asbestos, silica and chromium which all can be found around certain types of workplaces. It can also be carried by genes and inherited*but not proven. Also just having a diet high in fat and alcohol can increase your risk at lung cancer? So DO NOT immediately think in the back of your mind that every lung cancer patient was/is a smoker. And they do not deserve the cancer even if they were/are. So stop the idiotic comments about this cancer too.

My vent is over. =)

For now. There are hundreds of stigmas associated with cancers and different phases of cancer, cancer treatment and the aftermath of it all. I personally get sick when I think of everything that needs to change. We have to change it. Whether through blogging, talking with friends and family, sites like i [2] y among many others- we need to educate people. Make sure they know and understand the facts and fictions of the big C. Please protect yourself and learn what YOUR risk factors are- and try and avoid them. Sooner rather than later.

-Megan

What you don't know CAN hurt you!

Todays blog I wanted to talk about breast cancer. Two words that are haunting to most women- and even more haunting for the already young and cancerous. I know for myself, the doc said I have a greater chance now that I have had radiation on my chest. Its funny how that works. To get rid of one cancer you increase your risk of another.

More and more women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year. 'The Cancer Establishment' aka the American Cancer Soceity, National Cancer Institute, and dozens of cancer research centers funded by both of these companies- have lobbyed for basic molecular research, screening techniques, diagnostic tests, and treatment strategies as their 'fight'. don't get me wrong.. early detection is great. What happened to Prevention?

Now because you cannot fully protect yourself from the risks of cancer. (It is everywhere and in everything these days) You can reduce your risks.

First, some FACTS:

1. In 1971 President Richard Nixon declared the "War on Cancer," a woman's lifetime risk for contracting breast cancer was 1 in 14. In 1998 it was 1 in 8. Today 1 in 4 women get breast cancer. For those who have already had another type of cancer, or cancer in their family- our risk is 1 in 2. **ALSO 1 in 3 will get some form of cancer.

2. Breast cancer is the leading cause of death in women 35-54

3. From 1950-1992 breast cancer rates rose by 55%

4. From 1973-1992 breast cancer rates rose by 47%

***In another blog I wrote about compounds that were formulated in the 1960's. Most of our everyday chemicals under the sink were all made up during this time. Since those chemicals and food preservatives, medications etc were all formulated- cancer rates have rose 67%***

Since 1960 more than 960,000 American women - DOUBLE the number of Americans (male and female) who died in World Wars 1 & 2 and in the Korean, Vietnam, and Persian Gulf wars COMBINED- have died from breast cancer.

Yet many Americans, even physicians mistakenly think that we are winning the war on cancer because of improved testing and treatment methods. = Nothing could be further from the truth! The truth is until prevention becomes top priority , breast cancer rates will continue to climb.

So what we know:

Cancer is a mutated cell. *The cause we are told is unknown

These mutated cells, like all other cells will continue to multiply. Except most healthy cells know when to stop reproducing, as part of their 'code' but when a cell has been damaged by either a carcinogen, or other substance- the cell 'forgets' - and will continue to divide until a cancer forms.

Breast Cancer are cells that have invaded breast tissue or lymph glands in the chest. The cells start to metastasize through the blood; and end up in the lungs, bone, liver and brain.

The genetic research started in the 1980's and continued breakthroughs in the early 1990's. The reason for continued research is the scientists are hoping to find the gene that is 'passed' from your dna- and dismantle it. The truth is: If people in your family have had cancer before its more because you all share the same habits. Living in the same parts of the country, with the contaminated water, food etc. You share and were passed down nutrtional habits. This continues to not be recognized as a cancer producer. But lets continue::

'The Dirty Dozen' 12 Common but unpublicized risks for breast cancer!

Modern Medical Risks

1. Oral Contraceptives, with early and prolonged use

-In 1969 the New York Post read; Senate Told The Pill Can Kill

an article from John Hopkins University quoted Dr. Hugh Davis

"Never in history have so many individuals taken such potent drugs with so little information available as to the actual and potential hazards. The synthetic chemicals in the Pill are quite unnatural and with respect to their manufacture and with respect to their behavior once they are introduced into the human body. In using these agents, we are in fact embarked on a massive endocrinologic experiment with millions of healthy women."

Despite health concerns, the popularity of oral contraceptives coninued to surge.

1986- 56% of women 20-24 were on the Pill.

1998- 86%

In most cases- These women are still taking the pill today. And straight from the pill women continue to estrogen replacement therapy. This increase in hormones has been proven to cause breast cancer over a period of time. These facts continue to go ignored.

2. Estrogen Replacement Therapy, in high doses and prolonged use

3. Premenopausal mammography, with early and repeated exposure

4. Nonhormonal prescription drugs such as some anti-hypertensives

5. Silicone breast implants, especially those wrapped in polyurethane foam

DIETARY AND ENVIROMENTAL RISKS

6. Diet in high animal fat contaminated with undisclosed carcinogens and estrogenic chemicals.

** Milk is one of the highest risk factors** Cows are given estrogenic chemicals in order to continue to produce the milk after they give birth. This inevitably ends up in your morning cereal.

7. Exposure to household chemicals or pollution from neighboring chemical plants and hazardous waste sites.

**household cleaners have tons of synthetic chemicals that your body cannot metabolize- and it stays in your body** You can easily make a cleaner from vinegar and lemon or tea tree oil + water= homemade cleaner. And tea tree oil kills mold.

8. Workplace exposure to carcinogens. ie; tv, computer etc. Radiation from these appliances travels. I try and keep my time on the internet to a minimum.

LIFESTYLE RISKS

9. Alcohol

10. TOBACCO, with early or excessive use

11. Inactivity and sedentary lifestyle

12. Dark hair dyes, with early and prolonged use

=) I'll chat more about alternatives tomorrow.

Megan

*Documented info was taken from 'The Breast Cancer Prevention Program' where there references are sited in their book, by; Epstein, Steinman, and Levert.

Just another song in my head

I haven't really gone out alot this year. You know the story.

I have had so much on my plate I just needed to get out. It was my friend Michelle's 24th birthday so the timing was perfect. I put together a little night out to see Long Island's billy joel cover band 'Big Shot' at Mulcaheys on saturday. They always put on such a great show. So the pregaming started at my apartment at 7-730p and we ended up heading over to the bar around 9-930p.. and the band was already on =( The website had said 9p was their set- but they had gone on at 7 so we were catching the end. A couple of drinks and screaming 'Captain Jack' and the night was only starting.

Well, as I have already been talking about- in a past blog- with everything I have gone through Rob & I (my boyfriend of almost 4 years) haven't been doing so great. I feel like his goddamn roomie- instead of his goddamn girlfriend! Still. This weekend just confirmed my thoughts- and now I have even more crap riling around inside. I would talk about it more with you- but I'll just end up getting myself into trouble. So instead.. I'll just share some new music with you. Safetysuit 'Someone Like You' -Listen and enjoy!

=) Megan

What i've done VS. What you should do; Monnnaaayy!

Well I officially have no faith in our government.

I have seen the flaws and holes and corruption throughout my entire battle. And.. NO FAITH!

When I was sick I had to fill out FMLA paperwork for my job. That was a little health leave buffer of another 3 months.. The Family Medical Leave Act- Is paperwork that is suppose to ensure your job, so I thought. While I was sick I tried applying for money and grants through various programs- but found out that unfortunately the time of year I had gotten sick- is coincidentally the ending to alot of these programs 'fiscal year' aka no more money. Even more so- I lived off of savings most of the year I was sick.

Now Im broke. Broke, broke, broke, broke.

In May of this year I received a call from my employer (who's name I will not mention) telling e that my 'health leave' time had exceeded and unless I could go back to work by Monday (this phonecall being Friday) that I would be fired. This isn't a little hole in the wall place of employment- this is a major fortune five hundred company on Long Island. I was stunned. And actually (THANKS HR WOMAN) Because I had just gotten home from chemotherapy and the news mad me sick. After having a couple of mild panic attacks and after using almost a whole roll of tiolet papered tears- I got up from my bathroom floor breakdown and started talking to my mother. My mom always spent the day of treatment with me- and She was wondering what all the fuss was about. She immediately told me I needed to get down to Social Services and file for Medicaid, Food Stamps, and any other services they could provide- and thats just what I did.

Then about a month later I was told that I was eligible for Social Security benefits. So the following day- I went down to the social security office and filed for disability. I waited 6 months and I finally got a letter in the mail. DENIED.

Ok here's my VENTING SPACE::::::::::::::::::::::::

The letter had stated that because of my age my ability to recover was greater than that of an older individual. FUCK YOU DISABILITY! You straight up told me that because Im younger- I can't get money. Even though your own doctors said I was completely eligible for benefits. My earnings printout stated that I had paid into the system enough to receive as well. So it shouldn't matter the age- Just the reason for the disability. Plain and simple.

END OF VENT.

I just couldn't believe what I was reading. I realize that they want to save benefits for retirees- But I had CANCER. I was completely disabled- and Now I got a lawyer- Just to prove a point. And I will go after my ex employer- for the same reason. This should not continue to happen. I lost my job- and are now still not cleared to go back to work- IN A RECESSION. A little help from the government I paid into for so long - would be nice.

O K SO LESSON?

Newly diagnosed.. get your financial shit together!

Cancer sucks- But you're not going to die. You're not. If you think you will.. then... What can I say? Don't believe everything you hear. I've seen people beat the odds.. tons of people- So first get your shit together- so when You want to go back to work- You wont have bills upon bills piled up around you- and no job to go back to.

First things first..

YOUR EMPLOYER!

Make sure you have all paperwork filed and signed for short term disability. At the time you get sick- If you do not have Long term disability- You can file for it as soon as you know of your diagnosis. (I didn't know that.. I learned) Talk with your HR dept or your boss and discuss your options.

HOW LONG DO YOUR DOCTORS EXPECT YOU IN TREATMENT?

If it is over a year - FILE FOR DISABILITY NOW! AS SOON AS YOU GET SICK.. bc the process is long and hard- and HIRE A LAWYER! Do not wait- Like most people say until you receive your denial letter. Just call Binder & Binder and have them worry about all of the paperwork- While you can focus on getting well. *Their fee is 25% of whatever you win. Costly but reasonable- JUST DO IT!

SAVE EVERY RECEIPT!!!

You can apply to certain organizations and foundations for reimbursement.

American Cancer Soceity has mileage reimbursement. .5 cents per mile (I got a 50 $ check for over 400 miles) Its not much but its something!

**BOYCOTT THE ACS** Where does there money go- if not the patient?

Healthwell Foundation will reimburse you for either you copays or you can apply to have your insurance payments paid by them. Again- all of this is partial to their fiscal year- If you're sick at the end of the year- just try and wait until a grant opens up.

CALL CANCERCARE!!!

First of all they have a 200$ grant *if you qualify

Cancercare is a great organization because they have boatloads of info for you! They will even send you a little packet of resources in your area. Its great! They also have counseling over the phone, which I ended up using on those days- that are just plain horrible.

AND last by not least.. SOCIAL SERVICES

Its hell. Im not going to lie to you. I was sick off of the chemo and waited for over 3 hours to see someone to just file the paperwork. I'll never forget it- But they will help you! I receive about 160$ in foodstamps and about 305$ towards rental assistance a month + Medicaid. IM NOT ASHAMED! My boyfriend didn't want me to 'blog' about it online- but who cares? The stigma of foodstamps and medicaid is ridiculous.. if you really need the help! I needed the health insurance after my employer canned me- so... it was my last resort!

*They even offer help with heating payments in the wintertime*for those who qualify

SO dont make my mistakes!

Know exactly what your options are and take full advantage of everything.

=) Megan

To the nitty gritty

I've talked alot about my experiences with certain organizations, social services, my dogs- but I haven't even started to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend through cancer.

I was actually debating whether or not I should post about this topic- until I realized that this is something that severely effected my self image and self esteem. My friends told me all of the time how I looked good bald, how they got used to seeing me bald, how I had so much courage to go out without a wig- But sometimes I just wanted to crawl myself into a ball and cry alone.

A little backround info - 4 1 1 - on my relationship pre-cancer.

I first met Rob, my boyfriend, when I was 16 years old. I was a metal mouthed youngster that was invited to a 'college' party- which ended up being Rob's 24th birthday party. The first thing he said to me was 'The milk and cookies are upstairs, kid.' And I didn't like him too much after that. I didn't see him again until two years later- I had graduated high school, gotten rid of the braces and had just gotten back from a cross country trip. My friend was dating his best friend. She invited me out to a bar that the 'older men' snuck us into and we started talking. He didn't realize I was the same chick. We dated for about 6 months before buying a dog- and 6 more months after that we had moved in together. We have actually been together ever since.

Almost 4 years in February.

Everything was perfect. I had a great job. Well, a job I hated- but it paid well. And Rob was doing pretty well at work. We were both happy and carefree, at least I thought. Then in November of 2007- the word and diagnosis of c a n c e r changed everything.

As soon as I was diagnosed he became very distant. He said 'i love you' and 'how are you feeling' but for the next couple months it was all just small-talk. My doctor started talking to me about fertility options and treatments and how it was a good idea to get some eggs frozen because there was a chance that I could become infertile from the chemotherapy drugs.

I went to the fertility doctors and they all said I had a 10% chance of conceiving with eggs. And a 60% chance of conceiving with embryos- and asked me if I was in a stable relationship. I was just given the news of cancer- and now I had to ask my boyfriend if I could use his sperm to freeze children and if he could sign papers giving up his paternity rights- in case if we went sour- and I still wanted to use them. Lets just sum this up as- shock and awe.

It was crazy to have to make these kinds of decisions at 21 years old. Hell- at any time in a young woman's life. This is crazy. After talking with him- He said he would do anything I needed. It's exactly what he knew I needed to hear- and I'll admidt it was comforting. I felt so wrong for even having the audacity to ask such favors- BIG favors from a man I love.

Besides seeing a girl he graduated high school with at the fertility procedure- The whole process wasn't bad- and I came out with 12 frozen babies.

**No, I am not using all of them crazy anti abortionist people**

Now everything was the same after that. Day in - day out- Rob stayed away from me. His dad was diagnosed with a rare nerve cancer about a week after having learned of mine. It was just a really hard time- But everything took a turn for the worse when I lost my hair. I went for my first chemotherapy treatment- and he called me to make sure I was feeling alright. But my mom stayed by my side- for the treatment day and afterwards. I would be alone for the next couple days with Rob having to work until 9pm everyday. When he came home he would sweetly kiss me on my head and then again, leave me alone. I started to notice that I had turned into 'his roomie' and stopped being his girlfriend.

It was a pretty rough time. By my second chemotherapy treatment- my hair was falling out. In clumps, in my hands, I would break down and cry- and Rob didn't know how to handle it. Finally I just got fed up with feeling horrible and took scissors and cut it all off. I waited for my friend, Jackie, to come over and buzz it. Rob continued to avoid me like the plague. I knew he was having a hard time adjusting to both me and his dad having to go through all of this at the same time- But I knew I needed some support- and I needed someone to make me smile. That's when my friends and I decided to have 'Buzz Party' !!

My friend, Jackie, came over with her buzzer and shaved both my head- and my great friend, Justins. We documented with tons of photos and they really made it fun. I don't think I will ever forget it. - It meant more to me than I could ever describe.

Okay- to the REALLY nitty gritty and hopefully Rob doesn't decide to read this and flip- But We weren't sexual the entire time I was going through chemotherapy (6 months)

He made me feel gross and not beautiful because he always wanted to kiss me only if I had my wig on. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't have minded dressing up and making it fun with different wigs... ya know! =) But.. I just wanted him to sincerely tell me I was beautiful AT MY WORST. I just wanted to hear it. Just once. I would try asking him and having conversations about how he was making me feel- but none of that ever got through to him. It hurt me alot. It actually makes me cry thinking about it.

I owe alot to my friends for helping me get through it all- especially the added stress of my relationship strain- But I am thankful for everything that was revealed to me through this whole process. I am still with Rob. He realized how he made me feel and he's tried making it up to me but I do not regret the experience- or hold him to it- I found my own strength while he wasn't there. That is the most important reason on why I wanted to post these intimate details about my relationship and what happened to it on cancer. I started to look to myself to make me smile, and find characteristics on my face and body- that made me fall in love with myself for the first time. At the end of treatment- I didn't feel like I needed his opinion at all. I love him, I love him very much- But I am a stong ass bitch who's body just kicked cancer! Even though I believe it was a mistake, how he acted- it was a mistake. period. And I have let it go completely- Because I know better than anybody- that bitterness is like cancer. It will try and kill you, bring you down, and You can easily get rid of it- by cutting it out completely.

-Megan- xo.

I found something WORSE THAN CHEMO!!!!!!

O M G

That is all that comes to mind when I think of everything I've gone through over the past couple days. Yes my friends! I have found something worse than chemo..... FLEAS!!!

I have two dogs. A beautiful golden retriever, Duke, who I have had since I was 10 years old, and a toy poodle, Charlie, that I bought with my boyfriend, Rob. He was an impulse buy. Ok ok actually before we get to the flea catastrophe- I'll let you know a quick story. Rob & I had only been together for about 5-6 months when we decided to spend a beautiful autumn day 'out east' on long island to go pumpkin picking. That day was the best. After taking hours and hours and tons of stands to find the best pumpkins, apple pies and candy apples- we decided to stop for lunch in Port Jefferson, NY. For those of you who aren't from long island- Its a cute little-old 'port' town. We had a great lunch and decided to walk the lines of shops they had. (bad idea) We entered this little puppy store just to look at the puppies. (just to look, eh?) My mom used to take my sister and I here to look at the dogs everytime we came to Port Jeff. Well Rob and I had found this little ity bity curly apricot fluff that fit into our hands and we fell in love. I got emotional bc I knew that there was NO WAY we could get him... He was over priced- and we both had only known each other for a couple of months.. where would he stay? Well, Rob got him for me- and I got kicked out of my house until my grammy petitioned for Charlie to stay. Ever since then- He's been my little baby.

Ok so back to FLEAS... yuck!

We have had Charlie for about 3 years and I have never had a dog to get fleas. It has been disgusting. Grotesk. Disturbing. I have been just plain sceved out. I woke up around 8 am yesterday morning and Charlie was itching like crazy. Almost a little twitch. He was rubbing himself everywhere and I knew something was up. I checked him and at first didn't see anything. Then seeing him in obvious agony- I checked him again. I then started to see little black dots everywhere. All throughout his little curly coat. As I started to look deeper- I saw these little black brownish bugs crawling around his skin- and little bite marks on his tummy.

'My poor baby' is what I should have first thought- but unfortunately- that is not how I reacted. I quickly put charlie in the bathtub- and pulled the glass door closed so he was stuck in the tub. He started to cry- and then I started to cry. I did not know how to handle fleas.. I had never had a dog get them before. So as he was in the tub (I gave him a cookie for being a good sport and a towel to lay on so he wasn't cold) I started googling what-to-dos. I phoned my boyfriend to come home from his little morning gym routine and help me because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Rob went out and bought flea shampoo, sprays and treatments for the dog. As soon as he came home with it- I started washing Charlie. I washed him about 6 times before I felt they were gone. I then kept him in the bathroom while I proceeded to check the apartment. I found a towel in my laundry that was full of them. The towel I had found outside the night before and brought inside to take to the laundrymat. So I had brought the fleas into the house and made my little Charlie vulnerable. I shoved all the laundry outside- and hosed it down before putting it into a plastic bag- and taking it to the cleaners to wash in very very hot water and bleach. When I got home I proceeded to spray down the entire apt. with this 'zodiac' spray- and then gave the dog the topical treatment. Great news was- I have been watching my 13 year old golden retriever for my mom and I knew I had to wash him too. I scrubbed him down about 2 times which took another 2 hours. (he's a big boy with bad hips) It was horrible. We had to leave the apt when I sprayed- so it wouldnt be toxic to us- so I took them for a ride down the beach- and finally had my first bite to eat for the entire day. Yum.
After 12 hours of cleaning.. sanitizing.. spraying.. vaccuming.. mopping.. and trips to the laundrymat- I felt like it was okay to re-inhabit. A couple of hours later I started to notice Charlie acting wierd. He was acting very lethargic and just not himself. He usually is always wanting to play and has tons of energy- he wasnt even moving. He was just laying in my arms and shaking. I started googling all of the products I had used on him and came across alot of threads about one of the products - BIO SPOT ON! It was the topical treatment I had put on his shoulder blades and his tailbone after all of the washing. The threads were talking about adverse side effects- and even some pet fatalities. I started to FREAK! I brought the fleas in- and now I poisoned my dog!!!

The really FUCKED UP part.. is that when we called the 24 hour vet here- They wouldn't tell us anything over the phone except 'Bring him in!' If you have pets too- you will know a vets visit is at least 100 bucks if its an emergency room visit- and hey- Times are rough. So we tried to get them to just let us know if the symptoms were normal. But- NADA. They just kept repeating- 'You need to bring him in!'

FUCK YOU VET NAZI!

The proceeded to give us the number for animal posion control. And guess what? They wanted 60 dollars on a credit card before they would even come to the phone- It is absolutely ridiculous. So.. more googling. Im not doctor- but I figured that if he was just tired- it was probably a reaction to the medications so I washed him a couple times in reg oatmeal puppy shampoo- and force fed him some water. About a half of an hour later- He was acting more like himself. SO WARNING::::: BIO SPOT ON CAUSES BAD REACTIONS IN SMALL BREEDS!!!! READ ONLINE THREADS ABOUT PRODUCT- THERE IS ALOT MORE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK THEN POSTIVE SO GET FRONTLINE!!!

I just cannot believe everything that happened yesterday. It was literally the day from hell.

AKA.. FLEAS ARE FAR WORSE THAN CHEMO, in my opinion.

Also here are just some tips I learned a bit too late - on how you can handle fleas cheaper.. and healthier for you and your dog.

1. Blue Dawn dishsoap and white vinegar can be used as a dip(flea shampoo) It will stun fleas and kill them and their eggs.

2. A mild detergent from the 50's 'BORAX' can be sprinkled onto your carpets and upholstry. Its only about 3.99 a box versus the 17$-25$ sprays you will come across to be able to rid your home. And I heard from a couple friends that BORAX will work better- and more importantly- ITS NON TOXIC!!!

3. To keep fleas away- FEED YOUR DOG GARLIC!! A tip from one of my best friend's italian mother. She raises pugs- and feeds her dogs garlic- which once the flea feeds off of the dog- it completely sceved and finds another host.

SO TRY THAT FIRST BEFORE TRIPPING YOURSELF INTO SPENDING 50-100 bucks to get these little creepers out of your home.

=) FLEAS SUCK. -Megan

Elect she on!!

Well last night we elected our new president Barack Obama.

I have my doubts, not only for Obama- but I had them for John McCain as well. No matter who got elected I know that the next couple of years are going to require alot of endurance and talent from whomever made it. I will admidt- I did not vote for Obama... But I am happy that he won.

Last night I was sitting watching as the polls closed and channeling back and forth watching and waiting for the results. I knew deep down that Barack had won - But as soon as he did I felt.. 'changed' I had witnessed a moment in history. I had experienced a story that will forever be told to my children and their children. The election that lifted spirits- and for the first time ever, a black man had become president- and had awoken every sleeping soul politically. The whole world was watching our election- and celebrating the results- and just that feeling of unity for that brief moment while everyone was celebrating was intense.

Talking about politics- I was denied social security benefits. This is something I will get more into on another post, I want to dedicate this post to the election day yesterday. But- I was upset from being denied after being out of work for a year- and sick and everything I've gone through I just couldn't believe these things could happen. I wrote a letter to my congressman, the honorable Peter King. This letter was sent out via email about a week or so ago. Very recent. Yesterday, on election day, a representative for Mr. King called me about my letter. The letter was just about my situation, my cancer, and social security- and the representative told me that if I wanted to appeal the decision that he would write a letter to hopefully expedite the case- so I wouldn't have to continue to wait for some assistance. SO in honor of that courtesy- I just wanted to say: Thank you Mr King. I will be taking you up on that offer.

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