To the nitty gritty

I've talked alot about my experiences with certain organizations, social services, my dogs- but I haven't even started to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend through cancer.

I was actually debating whether or not I should post about this topic- until I realized that this is something that severely effected my self image and self esteem. My friends told me all of the time how I looked good bald, how they got used to seeing me bald, how I had so much courage to go out without a wig- But sometimes I just wanted to crawl myself into a ball and cry alone.

A little backround info - 4 1 1 - on my relationship pre-cancer.

I first met Rob, my boyfriend, when I was 16 years old. I was a metal mouthed youngster that was invited to a 'college' party- which ended up being Rob's 24th birthday party. The first thing he said to me was 'The milk and cookies are upstairs, kid.' And I didn't like him too much after that. I didn't see him again until two years later- I had graduated high school, gotten rid of the braces and had just gotten back from a cross country trip. My friend was dating his best friend. She invited me out to a bar that the 'older men' snuck us into and we started talking. He didn't realize I was the same chick. We dated for about 6 months before buying a dog- and 6 more months after that we had moved in together. We have actually been together ever since.

Almost 4 years in February.

Everything was perfect. I had a great job. Well, a job I hated- but it paid well. And Rob was doing pretty well at work. We were both happy and carefree, at least I thought. Then in November of 2007- the word and diagnosis of c a n c e r changed everything.

As soon as I was diagnosed he became very distant. He said 'i love you' and 'how are you feeling' but for the next couple months it was all just small-talk. My doctor started talking to me about fertility options and treatments and how it was a good idea to get some eggs frozen because there was a chance that I could become infertile from the chemotherapy drugs.

I went to the fertility doctors and they all said I had a 10% chance of conceiving with eggs. And a 60% chance of conceiving with embryos- and asked me if I was in a stable relationship. I was just given the news of cancer- and now I had to ask my boyfriend if I could use his sperm to freeze children and if he could sign papers giving up his paternity rights- in case if we went sour- and I still wanted to use them. Lets just sum this up as- shock and awe.

It was crazy to have to make these kinds of decisions at 21 years old. Hell- at any time in a young woman's life. This is crazy. After talking with him- He said he would do anything I needed. It's exactly what he knew I needed to hear- and I'll admidt it was comforting. I felt so wrong for even having the audacity to ask such favors- BIG favors from a man I love.

Besides seeing a girl he graduated high school with at the fertility procedure- The whole process wasn't bad- and I came out with 12 frozen babies.

**No, I am not using all of them crazy anti abortionist people**

Now everything was the same after that. Day in - day out- Rob stayed away from me. His dad was diagnosed with a rare nerve cancer about a week after having learned of mine. It was just a really hard time- But everything took a turn for the worse when I lost my hair. I went for my first chemotherapy treatment- and he called me to make sure I was feeling alright. But my mom stayed by my side- for the treatment day and afterwards. I would be alone for the next couple days with Rob having to work until 9pm everyday. When he came home he would sweetly kiss me on my head and then again, leave me alone. I started to notice that I had turned into 'his roomie' and stopped being his girlfriend.

It was a pretty rough time. By my second chemotherapy treatment- my hair was falling out. In clumps, in my hands, I would break down and cry- and Rob didn't know how to handle it. Finally I just got fed up with feeling horrible and took scissors and cut it all off. I waited for my friend, Jackie, to come over and buzz it. Rob continued to avoid me like the plague. I knew he was having a hard time adjusting to both me and his dad having to go through all of this at the same time- But I knew I needed some support- and I needed someone to make me smile. That's when my friends and I decided to have 'Buzz Party' !!

My friend, Jackie, came over with her buzzer and shaved both my head- and my great friend, Justins. We documented with tons of photos and they really made it fun. I don't think I will ever forget it. - It meant more to me than I could ever describe.

Okay- to the REALLY nitty gritty and hopefully Rob doesn't decide to read this and flip- But We weren't sexual the entire time I was going through chemotherapy (6 months)

He made me feel gross and not beautiful because he always wanted to kiss me only if I had my wig on. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't have minded dressing up and making it fun with different wigs... ya know! =) But.. I just wanted him to sincerely tell me I was beautiful AT MY WORST. I just wanted to hear it. Just once. I would try asking him and having conversations about how he was making me feel- but none of that ever got through to him. It hurt me alot. It actually makes me cry thinking about it.

I owe alot to my friends for helping me get through it all- especially the added stress of my relationship strain- But I am thankful for everything that was revealed to me through this whole process. I am still with Rob. He realized how he made me feel and he's tried making it up to me but I do not regret the experience- or hold him to it- I found my own strength while he wasn't there. That is the most important reason on why I wanted to post these intimate details about my relationship and what happened to it on cancer. I started to look to myself to make me smile, and find characteristics on my face and body- that made me fall in love with myself for the first time. At the end of treatment- I didn't feel like I needed his opinion at all. I love him, I love him very much- But I am a stong ass bitch who's body just kicked cancer! Even though I believe it was a mistake, how he acted- it was a mistake. period. And I have let it go completely- Because I know better than anybody- that bitterness is like cancer. It will try and kill you, bring you down, and You can easily get rid of it- by cutting it out completely.

-Megan- xo.