Who's that girl in the 'Right Round' with FLO RIDA?

THATS MY GIRL, KESHA AKA K$!!!!!!!!!!

I love to mention music every once in awhile. It is the best mood elevator! This ones a club joint and makes me shake my tusssshhhh!

Listen:

Right Round - FLO RIDA feat KESHA







& Touch Me - FLO RIDA feat KESHA

You can find more of her music here:

www.myspace.com/keshaishot

ROCK IT MAMA!

=) Megan

Shit. f#@% CRAP! You gotta love it.

I haven't been able to really sit down and get a thought out lately. I have so much going on lately- I knew only you guys would understand.I never figured the year after cancer.. would be spent playing catch up. So anyways, back to the reasons why I haven't blogged - summed up nice for you.

1. My PC crashed

2. I got fired from my job for 'extending their health leave'

3. I have medical collection agencies after my tushy

4. Im broke and have to move back home *Thanks Cancer.

5. My car is on the fritz and did I mention I'm broke?

6. My frozen babies require another payment for 2009 that I can't afford

I could keep complaining but I hate to be negative

so Im going to list the things that are going good right now..

1. Im alive. Bye Bye CANCER!

2. I have a new job = new possibilities

3. Medicaid has to pay the collection agencies =) and not me.

**It's just all the paperwork and phonecalls to straighten it all out

4. I can move back home and save money to go on numerous vacations this year

5. Did I mention I don't have cancer this year? holler.

6. I can still have kids, so I don't really NEED the frozen tots

7. I have a great boyfriend, amazing friends and the best family a person could ask for.

**And they're all healthy!!!!!

8. I have a low tolerance for bullshit but a high tolerance for pain!

9. I am more self confident than last year

10. I am starting to write my book/manual for cancer patients!

**thats going to be HYSTERICAL.

11. I have hair.. beautiful virgin healthy hair

And I could go on with this list forever too. So I have made the decision to STOP COMPLAINING

"It's not having what you want

It's wanting what you've got"

-Sheryl Crow

=) Megan

Im Too Young For This blog posting =)

My Blog Posting For i[2]y

Read it and enjoy!

ps. I haven't been able to bpost lately because my computer crashed.
Will be back up as soon as I figure out an alternative solution.

=)
Love,
Megan

Thanksgiving.. Alot to be thankful for...

Well folks.. Its that time of year again! Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving usually goes down as the 'holiday season kick off' in my mind. I always know that as soon as I hit my turkey coma I am listening to holiday tunes the very next weekend. And as some of you know, if you have read my 'lets start off' blog posting.. I was just diagnosed during the holidays last year. I found out I was sick just a few short days before Thanksgiving last year. I will never forget that thanksgiving in 2007.

Last year was 'Thanksgiving on Cancer'. It was absolutely horrible. I had just found out about my diagnosis about 4 or 5 days before- and I had plans to go to my moms house with my two uncles for turkey dinner- but when my mom found out- she went into mommy mode and only wanted to grab the holiday OT and help me with my bills and whatever I was going to need. I was feeling too crazy to cook a turkey dinner for just myself and my uncles- and the rest of my family (6 uncles, 5 aunts and a million or so 1st and 2nd cousins)they were all doing different things. We used to all get together when my grams was alive- she was the superwoman superglue. But now that she's gone & I never see anyone anymore. So it was me and my Uncle Pat- and my boyfriend joined us after visiting his mothers house. We ended up at some diner for turkey. BLEH. I don't remember what diner- bc it was that horrible. It was the absolute worst thanksgiving I will ever have. And I will make it a point to have a huge family and be that superwoman superglue my grams was- Just because of that diner turkey! Never again.

This year.. Turkey day 2008. No cancer.. and still BLEH. But for a different reason.

I've been told that Thanksgiving eve is the 'biggest party night of the year'. Hmm. Well I didn't go out and celebrate last year, which was the first year I could have, turning 21 and all. So this year... I am making it a point that n o t h i n g will be the same from last year- So whoo hoo!

Party Time.

I've been a little broke these days- remission in a recession stinks. It has been a little hectic- So I was actually debating whether to stay in and cook apple pies- or to go out and have a drink. My friends convinced me (thank god!) to go out. I got all dressed up or 'hussified' as I'd like to call it and had a little budget in my pocket of what I could spend. Asta La Vista Budget money... 20$ cover fee just at the door.. uugggh. I didn't even want to go out- intially. So my friend Jackie- decided to be my boyfriend and cover -the cover. Then when I got in- my other friends had shots and drinks already ready and waiting. (I have the best friends, don't i?) Well.. needless to say- I got completely wacked out of my mind. I do not advise getting hammered pre, post, or during cancer treatments- bc the alcohol actually screws up your body's ph and makes your whole body very acidic which is the perfect enviroment for cancer cell production. Google it. =)

But Fuck it. I need a fucking drink. I do not remember parts of the night, thanks to my new friends Malibu, Lemon drops, Patron and Vodka. And thanks to those 'new friends' it took me the whole morning and most of the afternoon to be able to stomach even making the horderves. I did not eat a single thing on Thanksgiving day. Not a s i n g l e thing. =)

But it was completely worth it.

So 2 years down, 1 diner, 1 turkey I didn't eat- A cancer my body fought, and 2 holiday seasons that will inevitably always be remembered- I am chuckling to myself at these things that happen to us. Like my grams always used to say "It is easier to make mistakes than to fix them.. So have fun, wear a smile, and try not to get into too much trouble tonight hun."

=) Megan

Save My Ass. - For Men...

Men and women are two very different species. Yes species. I want to stray from cancer blogging for a sec and just share with you a website I stumbled across. It is PURE GENIUS!

Save My Ass.

Save My Ass is a website- probably thought up by forgetful ex boyfriends that saw a market for other forgetful men. This website is a flower delivery service run off of a budget amount set and dates to remember. SO you would for example enter in you and your boyfriend/girlfriend's anniversary, birthday, valentines etc. Or a once a month delivery at random- and Flowers will be sent out and automatically billed to you- so if you forget the date.... This website would Save Your Ass.

I thought it was so ingenius I had to share.

If I wanna be a gem and tie in the cancer subject.. this could possibly go down as a great cancer gifting idea for the husband, wife, friend etc. And just send flowers at random every month for the period of time they're sick... or you can set the flowers to be delivered on the dates of your/their no-cancer anniversary.

Small advisory- for these forgetful men. If you break up with the chick.. man.. what have you- and you do not cancel this service.. You probably will find yourself in a very akward situation.. so try to remember to cancel if that is the case.

Otherwise... Have your ass saved. =)

-Megan

Ipod shuffle mix game

I have always taken rides in my car to think. Always. My friends and I used to love just taking a ride down ocean parkway by the beaches to either just to talk or smoke or what have you.. but we always listen to our favorite songs and sing for the entire ride. I loved going for rides in my car when I was sick because 1. I never got out and this was a way to get out without dealing with peoples reactions to my baldness etc. 2. I could scream and sing to songs as loud as I wanted =) So I created a little game of the 'shuffle songs' option on an ipod. It will select songs from your entire music collection at random. So we started asking the ipod questions... and the songs would be our answer... this is todays ride questions and answers (songs) playlist!

1. Joanna's future relationship: 'No Time For Tears'

2. How Joanna's 'crush' feels: Avril Lavigne 'Hot'

3. Megans Hizzle convos: Katy Perry 'Waking Up In Vegas'

4. Megan & Rob: Jimmy Buffett 'Turning Around'

5. What should we eat: Salt N Peppa 'Lets Talk About Sex'

6. Joannas sex life: Paramore 'Hallelujah'

7.Megans next year: Thelma Houston 'Dont Leave Me This Way'

8. Joannas next year: Justin Nozuka 'Criminal'

9. Our 'fun day': 'Aint nothing gunna break my stride' Men At Work

10. Joannas love life 'Love lockdown' Kanye

11. Megans love life: 'Golden train' Justin Nozuka

12. Our party song: 'The Good Life' Kanye

13. Megans Cancer song: 'That I Would Be Good' Alanis Morissette

14. What we both need in our lives: 'Harder Better Faster Stronger" Daft Punk

-Megan

A new beginning...

Last year TODAY.. I was diagnosed! I heard the words through a phoneline "Hodgkins Lymphoma" and my entire life changed. I am so grateful for what this year has given me. I have not only changed my outlook on life and my goals- I just see things and people differently.

Life is short. So short. It is beautiful and unforgiving. It tossles you around and throws the oddest curves. I have tried the sympathetic character, I have done the crazy unraveling girl.. I find myself awakening today as the solid rock. The ode to my grandmother. I wannabe that superwoman that she was and still is to most that knew her. I am refreshed and smiling today. I figured I would share. =)

So.. with thanksgiving right around the corner.. I am just smiling.

This is going to be a GREAT year.

-Megan

Love on Cancer...

My love life on cancer was non existent! I would have figured that if -I was single during the whole process... But I had a boyfriend of 3 years. I do not know what happened to him during my whole battle- He did stay by my side physically- but mentally and emotionally I was a loner. Now that everything is over.. I have been patiently waiting for things to 'get back to normal' And what frustrates me even more- is some days with him I see glimpses of what we had before. I figure.. he's stressed out from bills piling up- I did have cancer and am in remission during a freakin recession! I lost my job, his dad had cancer the same time I did, and he's a mortgage broker..... So right there = stress. But am I just making excuses for the person I remember? Can it still be salvagable? Or do I have to move on.. Am I an idiot for even wanting to stay with someone who wasn't there for me while I was sick? Should I want someone stronger? Or are these all just selfish thoughts?

I am definately a mess about this lately. Everything is starting to heal over... except the one thing I never wanted to get damaged through all of this.

uhhhhh! Figured I would share bc I have to get it out somewhere.

I really feel like the only cancer x that is going through this.. annnddd it sucks!

-Megan

Definately Not Acceptable!

Ok so I was reading my fellow cancer bloggers recent entries- and came across a story told by another Meaghan. She was venting about a comment her mothers coworker said about her cervical cancer. CLICK ON THIS TO READ HER POST!

Reading this story just makes me so amazed at the audacity of some people. The blatant ignorance, and the rudeness - are just completely NOT ACCEPTABLE! If you do not know how certain cancers form.... research. We live in a modern world of search engines and tons of info at our fingertips. So this blog- is an ode to fighters like Meaghan- dealing with IDIOTS like her mothers coworker. With certain cancers are certain stigmas- so lets just clear some of this up right now!!! Shall we?


First of all.. I'll start with Cervical Cancer.


Now I am definately not an authority on Cervical Cancer- but I got a knot in my stomach when I hear people think you only 'contract' cervical cancer because of sexual activity referencing cervical cancer fighters as; sluts. First of all we all know certain sexually transmitted diseases such as HPV, HIV, and Chlamydia can form into cervical cancer- but that DOES NOT mean that because women are sexually active- and were to accidentally contract any of these things; would mean they were sluts. When everyone is of age- we all have sex. So I do not want to hear it. Even if their cervical cancer did come from these sexually tranmitted diseases- DOES NOT mean that these women deserved 'what they got'. So I DO NOT want to hear that ignorance either. Besides these stigmas we all know- Cervical Cancer can be caused by habits such as smoking, poor diet, not visiting the OBGYN regularly, THE PILL, GENES!! and even some women who have had multiple pregnancies ie; 4-5 children.. you have a higher risk of cervical cancer. And having any of these diseases or risk factors DOES NOT mean this person is a S L U T. So put a cork in it =)

Stop being ignorant and research one of the top killers for women. Hopefully because of people like Meaghan- People like you (mommys coworker's) children and their children won't have to fight like she has.


LUNG CANCER

Lung cancer claims over 90,000 men and
45,000 women each year.
But DID YOU KNOW
Even though 90% of men and 80% of women who have lung cancer was caused by smoking- DOES NOT mean that all lung cancer patients were smokers. Lung cancer can also be caused by: radon gases, asbestos, silica and chromium which all can be found around certain types of workplaces. It can also be carried by genes and inherited*but not proven. Also just having a diet high in fat and alcohol can increase your risk at lung cancer? So DO NOT immediately think in the back of your mind that every lung cancer patient was/is a smoker. And they do not deserve the cancer even if they were/are. So stop the idiotic comments about this cancer too.

My vent is over. =)

For now. There are hundreds of stigmas associated with cancers and different phases of cancer, cancer treatment and the aftermath of it all. I personally get sick when I think of everything that needs to change. We have to change it. Whether through blogging, talking with friends and family, sites like i [2] y among many others- we need to educate people. Make sure they know and understand the facts and fictions of the big C. Please protect yourself and learn what YOUR risk factors are- and try and avoid them. Sooner rather than later.

-Megan

What you don't know CAN hurt you!

Todays blog I wanted to talk about breast cancer. Two words that are haunting to most women- and even more haunting for the already young and cancerous. I know for myself, the doc said I have a greater chance now that I have had radiation on my chest. Its funny how that works. To get rid of one cancer you increase your risk of another.

More and more women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year. 'The Cancer Establishment' aka the American Cancer Soceity, National Cancer Institute, and dozens of cancer research centers funded by both of these companies- have lobbyed for basic molecular research, screening techniques, diagnostic tests, and treatment strategies as their 'fight'. don't get me wrong.. early detection is great. What happened to Prevention?

Now because you cannot fully protect yourself from the risks of cancer. (It is everywhere and in everything these days) You can reduce your risks.

First, some FACTS:

1. In 1971 President Richard Nixon declared the "War on Cancer," a woman's lifetime risk for contracting breast cancer was 1 in 14. In 1998 it was 1 in 8. Today 1 in 4 women get breast cancer. For those who have already had another type of cancer, or cancer in their family- our risk is 1 in 2. **ALSO 1 in 3 will get some form of cancer.

2. Breast cancer is the leading cause of death in women 35-54

3. From 1950-1992 breast cancer rates rose by 55%

4. From 1973-1992 breast cancer rates rose by 47%

***In another blog I wrote about compounds that were formulated in the 1960's. Most of our everyday chemicals under the sink were all made up during this time. Since those chemicals and food preservatives, medications etc were all formulated- cancer rates have rose 67%***

Since 1960 more than 960,000 American women - DOUBLE the number of Americans (male and female) who died in World Wars 1 & 2 and in the Korean, Vietnam, and Persian Gulf wars COMBINED- have died from breast cancer.

Yet many Americans, even physicians mistakenly think that we are winning the war on cancer because of improved testing and treatment methods. = Nothing could be further from the truth! The truth is until prevention becomes top priority , breast cancer rates will continue to climb.

So what we know:

Cancer is a mutated cell. *The cause we are told is unknown

These mutated cells, like all other cells will continue to multiply. Except most healthy cells know when to stop reproducing, as part of their 'code' but when a cell has been damaged by either a carcinogen, or other substance- the cell 'forgets' - and will continue to divide until a cancer forms.

Breast Cancer are cells that have invaded breast tissue or lymph glands in the chest. The cells start to metastasize through the blood; and end up in the lungs, bone, liver and brain.

The genetic research started in the 1980's and continued breakthroughs in the early 1990's. The reason for continued research is the scientists are hoping to find the gene that is 'passed' from your dna- and dismantle it. The truth is: If people in your family have had cancer before its more because you all share the same habits. Living in the same parts of the country, with the contaminated water, food etc. You share and were passed down nutrtional habits. This continues to not be recognized as a cancer producer. But lets continue::

'The Dirty Dozen' 12 Common but unpublicized risks for breast cancer!

Modern Medical Risks

1. Oral Contraceptives, with early and prolonged use

-In 1969 the New York Post read; Senate Told The Pill Can Kill

an article from John Hopkins University quoted Dr. Hugh Davis

"Never in history have so many individuals taken such potent drugs with so little information available as to the actual and potential hazards. The synthetic chemicals in the Pill are quite unnatural and with respect to their manufacture and with respect to their behavior once they are introduced into the human body. In using these agents, we are in fact embarked on a massive endocrinologic experiment with millions of healthy women."

Despite health concerns, the popularity of oral contraceptives coninued to surge.

1986- 56% of women 20-24 were on the Pill.

1998- 86%

In most cases- These women are still taking the pill today. And straight from the pill women continue to estrogen replacement therapy. This increase in hormones has been proven to cause breast cancer over a period of time. These facts continue to go ignored.

2. Estrogen Replacement Therapy, in high doses and prolonged use

3. Premenopausal mammography, with early and repeated exposure

4. Nonhormonal prescription drugs such as some anti-hypertensives

5. Silicone breast implants, especially those wrapped in polyurethane foam

DIETARY AND ENVIROMENTAL RISKS

6. Diet in high animal fat contaminated with undisclosed carcinogens and estrogenic chemicals.

** Milk is one of the highest risk factors** Cows are given estrogenic chemicals in order to continue to produce the milk after they give birth. This inevitably ends up in your morning cereal.

7. Exposure to household chemicals or pollution from neighboring chemical plants and hazardous waste sites.

**household cleaners have tons of synthetic chemicals that your body cannot metabolize- and it stays in your body** You can easily make a cleaner from vinegar and lemon or tea tree oil + water= homemade cleaner. And tea tree oil kills mold.

8. Workplace exposure to carcinogens. ie; tv, computer etc. Radiation from these appliances travels. I try and keep my time on the internet to a minimum.

LIFESTYLE RISKS

9. Alcohol

10. TOBACCO, with early or excessive use

11. Inactivity and sedentary lifestyle

12. Dark hair dyes, with early and prolonged use

=) I'll chat more about alternatives tomorrow.

Megan

*Documented info was taken from 'The Breast Cancer Prevention Program' where there references are sited in their book, by; Epstein, Steinman, and Levert.

Just another song in my head

I haven't really gone out alot this year. You know the story.

I have had so much on my plate I just needed to get out. It was my friend Michelle's 24th birthday so the timing was perfect. I put together a little night out to see Long Island's billy joel cover band 'Big Shot' at Mulcaheys on saturday. They always put on such a great show. So the pregaming started at my apartment at 7-730p and we ended up heading over to the bar around 9-930p.. and the band was already on =( The website had said 9p was their set- but they had gone on at 7 so we were catching the end. A couple of drinks and screaming 'Captain Jack' and the night was only starting.

Well, as I have already been talking about- in a past blog- with everything I have gone through Rob & I (my boyfriend of almost 4 years) haven't been doing so great. I feel like his goddamn roomie- instead of his goddamn girlfriend! Still. This weekend just confirmed my thoughts- and now I have even more crap riling around inside. I would talk about it more with you- but I'll just end up getting myself into trouble. So instead.. I'll just share some new music with you. Safetysuit 'Someone Like You' -Listen and enjoy!

=) Megan

What i've done VS. What you should do; Monnnaaayy!

Well I officially have no faith in our government.

I have seen the flaws and holes and corruption throughout my entire battle. And.. NO FAITH!

When I was sick I had to fill out FMLA paperwork for my job. That was a little health leave buffer of another 3 months.. The Family Medical Leave Act- Is paperwork that is suppose to ensure your job, so I thought. While I was sick I tried applying for money and grants through various programs- but found out that unfortunately the time of year I had gotten sick- is coincidentally the ending to alot of these programs 'fiscal year' aka no more money. Even more so- I lived off of savings most of the year I was sick.

Now Im broke. Broke, broke, broke, broke.

In May of this year I received a call from my employer (who's name I will not mention) telling e that my 'health leave' time had exceeded and unless I could go back to work by Monday (this phonecall being Friday) that I would be fired. This isn't a little hole in the wall place of employment- this is a major fortune five hundred company on Long Island. I was stunned. And actually (THANKS HR WOMAN) Because I had just gotten home from chemotherapy and the news mad me sick. After having a couple of mild panic attacks and after using almost a whole roll of tiolet papered tears- I got up from my bathroom floor breakdown and started talking to my mother. My mom always spent the day of treatment with me- and She was wondering what all the fuss was about. She immediately told me I needed to get down to Social Services and file for Medicaid, Food Stamps, and any other services they could provide- and thats just what I did.

Then about a month later I was told that I was eligible for Social Security benefits. So the following day- I went down to the social security office and filed for disability. I waited 6 months and I finally got a letter in the mail. DENIED.

Ok here's my VENTING SPACE::::::::::::::::::::::::

The letter had stated that because of my age my ability to recover was greater than that of an older individual. FUCK YOU DISABILITY! You straight up told me that because Im younger- I can't get money. Even though your own doctors said I was completely eligible for benefits. My earnings printout stated that I had paid into the system enough to receive as well. So it shouldn't matter the age- Just the reason for the disability. Plain and simple.

END OF VENT.

I just couldn't believe what I was reading. I realize that they want to save benefits for retirees- But I had CANCER. I was completely disabled- and Now I got a lawyer- Just to prove a point. And I will go after my ex employer- for the same reason. This should not continue to happen. I lost my job- and are now still not cleared to go back to work- IN A RECESSION. A little help from the government I paid into for so long - would be nice.

O K SO LESSON?

Newly diagnosed.. get your financial shit together!

Cancer sucks- But you're not going to die. You're not. If you think you will.. then... What can I say? Don't believe everything you hear. I've seen people beat the odds.. tons of people- So first get your shit together- so when You want to go back to work- You wont have bills upon bills piled up around you- and no job to go back to.

First things first..

YOUR EMPLOYER!

Make sure you have all paperwork filed and signed for short term disability. At the time you get sick- If you do not have Long term disability- You can file for it as soon as you know of your diagnosis. (I didn't know that.. I learned) Talk with your HR dept or your boss and discuss your options.

HOW LONG DO YOUR DOCTORS EXPECT YOU IN TREATMENT?

If it is over a year - FILE FOR DISABILITY NOW! AS SOON AS YOU GET SICK.. bc the process is long and hard- and HIRE A LAWYER! Do not wait- Like most people say until you receive your denial letter. Just call Binder & Binder and have them worry about all of the paperwork- While you can focus on getting well. *Their fee is 25% of whatever you win. Costly but reasonable- JUST DO IT!

SAVE EVERY RECEIPT!!!

You can apply to certain organizations and foundations for reimbursement.

American Cancer Soceity has mileage reimbursement. .5 cents per mile (I got a 50 $ check for over 400 miles) Its not much but its something!

**BOYCOTT THE ACS** Where does there money go- if not the patient?

Healthwell Foundation will reimburse you for either you copays or you can apply to have your insurance payments paid by them. Again- all of this is partial to their fiscal year- If you're sick at the end of the year- just try and wait until a grant opens up.

CALL CANCERCARE!!!

First of all they have a 200$ grant *if you qualify

Cancercare is a great organization because they have boatloads of info for you! They will even send you a little packet of resources in your area. Its great! They also have counseling over the phone, which I ended up using on those days- that are just plain horrible.

AND last by not least.. SOCIAL SERVICES

Its hell. Im not going to lie to you. I was sick off of the chemo and waited for over 3 hours to see someone to just file the paperwork. I'll never forget it- But they will help you! I receive about 160$ in foodstamps and about 305$ towards rental assistance a month + Medicaid. IM NOT ASHAMED! My boyfriend didn't want me to 'blog' about it online- but who cares? The stigma of foodstamps and medicaid is ridiculous.. if you really need the help! I needed the health insurance after my employer canned me- so... it was my last resort!

*They even offer help with heating payments in the wintertime*for those who qualify

SO dont make my mistakes!

Know exactly what your options are and take full advantage of everything.

=) Megan

To the nitty gritty

I've talked alot about my experiences with certain organizations, social services, my dogs- but I haven't even started to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend through cancer.

I was actually debating whether or not I should post about this topic- until I realized that this is something that severely effected my self image and self esteem. My friends told me all of the time how I looked good bald, how they got used to seeing me bald, how I had so much courage to go out without a wig- But sometimes I just wanted to crawl myself into a ball and cry alone.

A little backround info - 4 1 1 - on my relationship pre-cancer.

I first met Rob, my boyfriend, when I was 16 years old. I was a metal mouthed youngster that was invited to a 'college' party- which ended up being Rob's 24th birthday party. The first thing he said to me was 'The milk and cookies are upstairs, kid.' And I didn't like him too much after that. I didn't see him again until two years later- I had graduated high school, gotten rid of the braces and had just gotten back from a cross country trip. My friend was dating his best friend. She invited me out to a bar that the 'older men' snuck us into and we started talking. He didn't realize I was the same chick. We dated for about 6 months before buying a dog- and 6 more months after that we had moved in together. We have actually been together ever since.

Almost 4 years in February.

Everything was perfect. I had a great job. Well, a job I hated- but it paid well. And Rob was doing pretty well at work. We were both happy and carefree, at least I thought. Then in November of 2007- the word and diagnosis of c a n c e r changed everything.

As soon as I was diagnosed he became very distant. He said 'i love you' and 'how are you feeling' but for the next couple months it was all just small-talk. My doctor started talking to me about fertility options and treatments and how it was a good idea to get some eggs frozen because there was a chance that I could become infertile from the chemotherapy drugs.

I went to the fertility doctors and they all said I had a 10% chance of conceiving with eggs. And a 60% chance of conceiving with embryos- and asked me if I was in a stable relationship. I was just given the news of cancer- and now I had to ask my boyfriend if I could use his sperm to freeze children and if he could sign papers giving up his paternity rights- in case if we went sour- and I still wanted to use them. Lets just sum this up as- shock and awe.

It was crazy to have to make these kinds of decisions at 21 years old. Hell- at any time in a young woman's life. This is crazy. After talking with him- He said he would do anything I needed. It's exactly what he knew I needed to hear- and I'll admidt it was comforting. I felt so wrong for even having the audacity to ask such favors- BIG favors from a man I love.

Besides seeing a girl he graduated high school with at the fertility procedure- The whole process wasn't bad- and I came out with 12 frozen babies.

**No, I am not using all of them crazy anti abortionist people**

Now everything was the same after that. Day in - day out- Rob stayed away from me. His dad was diagnosed with a rare nerve cancer about a week after having learned of mine. It was just a really hard time- But everything took a turn for the worse when I lost my hair. I went for my first chemotherapy treatment- and he called me to make sure I was feeling alright. But my mom stayed by my side- for the treatment day and afterwards. I would be alone for the next couple days with Rob having to work until 9pm everyday. When he came home he would sweetly kiss me on my head and then again, leave me alone. I started to notice that I had turned into 'his roomie' and stopped being his girlfriend.

It was a pretty rough time. By my second chemotherapy treatment- my hair was falling out. In clumps, in my hands, I would break down and cry- and Rob didn't know how to handle it. Finally I just got fed up with feeling horrible and took scissors and cut it all off. I waited for my friend, Jackie, to come over and buzz it. Rob continued to avoid me like the plague. I knew he was having a hard time adjusting to both me and his dad having to go through all of this at the same time- But I knew I needed some support- and I needed someone to make me smile. That's when my friends and I decided to have 'Buzz Party' !!

My friend, Jackie, came over with her buzzer and shaved both my head- and my great friend, Justins. We documented with tons of photos and they really made it fun. I don't think I will ever forget it. - It meant more to me than I could ever describe.

Okay- to the REALLY nitty gritty and hopefully Rob doesn't decide to read this and flip- But We weren't sexual the entire time I was going through chemotherapy (6 months)

He made me feel gross and not beautiful because he always wanted to kiss me only if I had my wig on. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't have minded dressing up and making it fun with different wigs... ya know! =) But.. I just wanted him to sincerely tell me I was beautiful AT MY WORST. I just wanted to hear it. Just once. I would try asking him and having conversations about how he was making me feel- but none of that ever got through to him. It hurt me alot. It actually makes me cry thinking about it.

I owe alot to my friends for helping me get through it all- especially the added stress of my relationship strain- But I am thankful for everything that was revealed to me through this whole process. I am still with Rob. He realized how he made me feel and he's tried making it up to me but I do not regret the experience- or hold him to it- I found my own strength while he wasn't there. That is the most important reason on why I wanted to post these intimate details about my relationship and what happened to it on cancer. I started to look to myself to make me smile, and find characteristics on my face and body- that made me fall in love with myself for the first time. At the end of treatment- I didn't feel like I needed his opinion at all. I love him, I love him very much- But I am a stong ass bitch who's body just kicked cancer! Even though I believe it was a mistake, how he acted- it was a mistake. period. And I have let it go completely- Because I know better than anybody- that bitterness is like cancer. It will try and kill you, bring you down, and You can easily get rid of it- by cutting it out completely.

-Megan- xo.

I found something WORSE THAN CHEMO!!!!!!

O M G

That is all that comes to mind when I think of everything I've gone through over the past couple days. Yes my friends! I have found something worse than chemo..... FLEAS!!!

I have two dogs. A beautiful golden retriever, Duke, who I have had since I was 10 years old, and a toy poodle, Charlie, that I bought with my boyfriend, Rob. He was an impulse buy. Ok ok actually before we get to the flea catastrophe- I'll let you know a quick story. Rob & I had only been together for about 5-6 months when we decided to spend a beautiful autumn day 'out east' on long island to go pumpkin picking. That day was the best. After taking hours and hours and tons of stands to find the best pumpkins, apple pies and candy apples- we decided to stop for lunch in Port Jefferson, NY. For those of you who aren't from long island- Its a cute little-old 'port' town. We had a great lunch and decided to walk the lines of shops they had. (bad idea) We entered this little puppy store just to look at the puppies. (just to look, eh?) My mom used to take my sister and I here to look at the dogs everytime we came to Port Jeff. Well Rob and I had found this little ity bity curly apricot fluff that fit into our hands and we fell in love. I got emotional bc I knew that there was NO WAY we could get him... He was over priced- and we both had only known each other for a couple of months.. where would he stay? Well, Rob got him for me- and I got kicked out of my house until my grammy petitioned for Charlie to stay. Ever since then- He's been my little baby.

Ok so back to FLEAS... yuck!

We have had Charlie for about 3 years and I have never had a dog to get fleas. It has been disgusting. Grotesk. Disturbing. I have been just plain sceved out. I woke up around 8 am yesterday morning and Charlie was itching like crazy. Almost a little twitch. He was rubbing himself everywhere and I knew something was up. I checked him and at first didn't see anything. Then seeing him in obvious agony- I checked him again. I then started to see little black dots everywhere. All throughout his little curly coat. As I started to look deeper- I saw these little black brownish bugs crawling around his skin- and little bite marks on his tummy.

'My poor baby' is what I should have first thought- but unfortunately- that is not how I reacted. I quickly put charlie in the bathtub- and pulled the glass door closed so he was stuck in the tub. He started to cry- and then I started to cry. I did not know how to handle fleas.. I had never had a dog get them before. So as he was in the tub (I gave him a cookie for being a good sport and a towel to lay on so he wasn't cold) I started googling what-to-dos. I phoned my boyfriend to come home from his little morning gym routine and help me because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Rob went out and bought flea shampoo, sprays and treatments for the dog. As soon as he came home with it- I started washing Charlie. I washed him about 6 times before I felt they were gone. I then kept him in the bathroom while I proceeded to check the apartment. I found a towel in my laundry that was full of them. The towel I had found outside the night before and brought inside to take to the laundrymat. So I had brought the fleas into the house and made my little Charlie vulnerable. I shoved all the laundry outside- and hosed it down before putting it into a plastic bag- and taking it to the cleaners to wash in very very hot water and bleach. When I got home I proceeded to spray down the entire apt. with this 'zodiac' spray- and then gave the dog the topical treatment. Great news was- I have been watching my 13 year old golden retriever for my mom and I knew I had to wash him too. I scrubbed him down about 2 times which took another 2 hours. (he's a big boy with bad hips) It was horrible. We had to leave the apt when I sprayed- so it wouldnt be toxic to us- so I took them for a ride down the beach- and finally had my first bite to eat for the entire day. Yum.
After 12 hours of cleaning.. sanitizing.. spraying.. vaccuming.. mopping.. and trips to the laundrymat- I felt like it was okay to re-inhabit. A couple of hours later I started to notice Charlie acting wierd. He was acting very lethargic and just not himself. He usually is always wanting to play and has tons of energy- he wasnt even moving. He was just laying in my arms and shaking. I started googling all of the products I had used on him and came across alot of threads about one of the products - BIO SPOT ON! It was the topical treatment I had put on his shoulder blades and his tailbone after all of the washing. The threads were talking about adverse side effects- and even some pet fatalities. I started to FREAK! I brought the fleas in- and now I poisoned my dog!!!

The really FUCKED UP part.. is that when we called the 24 hour vet here- They wouldn't tell us anything over the phone except 'Bring him in!' If you have pets too- you will know a vets visit is at least 100 bucks if its an emergency room visit- and hey- Times are rough. So we tried to get them to just let us know if the symptoms were normal. But- NADA. They just kept repeating- 'You need to bring him in!'

FUCK YOU VET NAZI!

The proceeded to give us the number for animal posion control. And guess what? They wanted 60 dollars on a credit card before they would even come to the phone- It is absolutely ridiculous. So.. more googling. Im not doctor- but I figured that if he was just tired- it was probably a reaction to the medications so I washed him a couple times in reg oatmeal puppy shampoo- and force fed him some water. About a half of an hour later- He was acting more like himself. SO WARNING::::: BIO SPOT ON CAUSES BAD REACTIONS IN SMALL BREEDS!!!! READ ONLINE THREADS ABOUT PRODUCT- THERE IS ALOT MORE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK THEN POSTIVE SO GET FRONTLINE!!!

I just cannot believe everything that happened yesterday. It was literally the day from hell.

AKA.. FLEAS ARE FAR WORSE THAN CHEMO, in my opinion.

Also here are just some tips I learned a bit too late - on how you can handle fleas cheaper.. and healthier for you and your dog.

1. Blue Dawn dishsoap and white vinegar can be used as a dip(flea shampoo) It will stun fleas and kill them and their eggs.

2. A mild detergent from the 50's 'BORAX' can be sprinkled onto your carpets and upholstry. Its only about 3.99 a box versus the 17$-25$ sprays you will come across to be able to rid your home. And I heard from a couple friends that BORAX will work better- and more importantly- ITS NON TOXIC!!!

3. To keep fleas away- FEED YOUR DOG GARLIC!! A tip from one of my best friend's italian mother. She raises pugs- and feeds her dogs garlic- which once the flea feeds off of the dog- it completely sceved and finds another host.

SO TRY THAT FIRST BEFORE TRIPPING YOURSELF INTO SPENDING 50-100 bucks to get these little creepers out of your home.

=) FLEAS SUCK. -Megan

Elect she on!!

Well last night we elected our new president Barack Obama.

I have my doubts, not only for Obama- but I had them for John McCain as well. No matter who got elected I know that the next couple of years are going to require alot of endurance and talent from whomever made it. I will admidt- I did not vote for Obama... But I am happy that he won.

Last night I was sitting watching as the polls closed and channeling back and forth watching and waiting for the results. I knew deep down that Barack had won - But as soon as he did I felt.. 'changed' I had witnessed a moment in history. I had experienced a story that will forever be told to my children and their children. The election that lifted spirits- and for the first time ever, a black man had become president- and had awoken every sleeping soul politically. The whole world was watching our election- and celebrating the results- and just that feeling of unity for that brief moment while everyone was celebrating was intense.

Talking about politics- I was denied social security benefits. This is something I will get more into on another post, I want to dedicate this post to the election day yesterday. But- I was upset from being denied after being out of work for a year- and sick and everything I've gone through I just couldn't believe these things could happen. I wrote a letter to my congressman, the honorable Peter King. This letter was sent out via email about a week or so ago. Very recent. Yesterday, on election day, a representative for Mr. King called me about my letter. The letter was just about my situation, my cancer, and social security- and the representative told me that if I wanted to appeal the decision that he would write a letter to hopefully expedite the case- so I wouldn't have to continue to wait for some assistance. SO in honor of that courtesy- I just wanted to say: Thank you Mr King. I will be taking you up on that offer.

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Halloween on cancer

I spent about a year inside. Spending holidays inside sucks. The cold weather was easier to bare inside then the summertime- But being sick and stuck alone really, for lack of a better word, BLOWS! I wanted to write about some ideas I had for spending

halloween on cancer.

Cooking. Only attempt if you're not on the chemo. If you're stomach doesn't mind.. Theres alot of yummy affordable treats you can whip up while home.

Red Candied Apples

8 Firm red apples

8 wooden sticks (washed popsicle sticks work great!)

3 cups granulated sugar

1/2 cup light corn syrup
1 cup water

1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. red food coloring

1. After washing remove all stems and insert popsicle stick. (you can also use kabob sticks, or smore sticks whatever is easier for you to find or cheaper)
2. Grease cookie sheet that you're going to place dipped apples on
3. Mix sugar, syrup and water in pot and heat to 300F (150C) on candy thermometer. (You can find candy thermometers at your local arts and crafts store or without using your candy thermometer you can tell by taking a drop of syrup and putting it in a cup of cold water. If the boil is at the right temperature- the drop will separate into brittle strands.)
4. Mix in cinnamon and food coloring.
5. Dip apples and set on cookie sheet. Wait until fully dry and ENJOY! mmm!

Caramel Apples

8 firm apples

8 wooden sticks

1 1/3 cups evaporated milk

1/2 cup light corn syrup

2 cups granulated sugar

1 tbs.. butter or margarine

1 tsp. vanilla

1. After washing remove stems and insert popsicle stick.
2. Mix together milk, syrup and sugar in pot and heat. Stir together until fully dissolved.
3. Bring to a BOIL- Soft Ball Stage 240F (150C) (soft ball stage is when a drop in cold water forms a soft ball) remove from heat.
4. Add butter and vanilla and DIP!
Let cool before eating and YUMMM!

My 'Grammy Grams' Pie

She taught me how to make it- nd Im going to share it with you!!
I don't know measuring or how many apples- I kind of just go with looks and taste, so I will try!

Usually about 6-8 Macintosh apples
*the kind of apples are very important for the taste of the pie
1. Wash and peel all apples and cut into tiny cubes
then place in large bowl.
2. then take about 2 handfuls of brown sugar
and mix together into apples.
3. Then you want to take about 1 tablespoon of cinnamon,
maybe more you have to taste test- if theres too much cinnamon
you have to peel another apple or two and put in more brown sugar
4. Put a good 3 teaspoons of lemon juice into the mix and let sit for about a half hour
*this gives apples time to excrete their own juices into lemon sugar juice.
5. At this time you want to remove frozen pie shells from freezer
and let sit out for the half hour you are waiting for apples.
(I get frozen pillsbury shells.. It doesnt matter about the crust-
its all about the apples-
thats why just get them frozen it saves you money and time)
6. Heat oven to 350F
7. fill shells with apple goodness
8. One pie shell will have to cover apple goodness and
then take one beaten egg and slater top of pie with it
(it will make crust extra crunchy and yummy)
9. Bake for about 20 minutes
10. Check crust- if it isn't brown enough for you-
leave for another 10 minutes
11. take out of oven and immediately throw into fridge.
(If you take pie out and leave out- it will continue to cook apples
leaving them mushy, if thats how you like it more power to you-
but I like my apples a little undercooke- it gives the pie a better taste)

Now onto the stuff for the chemo-ers!

Arts and Crafts!!!

This time of year has tons of craft stores overloaded with craft kits for kids and yourself to do. Edible haunted houses, foam kits, pumpkin carving sets- etc etc. Here are some 'homemade' ideas if you're tight on the dolllaaaasss!

Leaves Collage

This is my favorite time of year! I love all of the colors of the leaves and when I was little I used to collect leaves and elmers glue them to come cardboard. It always turned out beautifully- so Im putting this on here as a great CHEAP 'arts and crafts' thing to do at home. And all it costs you is the glue and cardboard paper. Heck!- You can really glue the leaves to anything- if you're feeling green, and want to recycle some bill or doctors note =) But you can add anything to these.. and if you have kids they love the time you spend with them creating these little leave collages! Add pictures, beads, feathers, rocks etc- or anything else you find outside. And because we chemo-ers dont get a chance to go outside alot- this can all be collected during a brief brisk walk- just bundle up!!

APPLE WITCH!

I remember this craft from 1st grade! This was some class mom's idea- and I guess it really stuck with me. What you do is you get an apple and peel it. Then you just carv out two eyes and a nose. If you leave it for about 2 weeks or so- the apple becomes dried up and as time rots the apple- the carving you made- starts to really form into an ugly old witch!!!! All you do is make a witchs hat with some black cardboard paper.. and bam.. Apple witch!!!

Well- really this is the best time of year to be outside... unless of course you're immune system can only stand short brief and brisk walks- but be sure to get outside when you can. Nutrtional hint; Do not have any fruit on the day that you're going to be going outside. Fruit lowers your body temperature.. and can potentially make you feel alot colder! Allot of doctors will say thats rubbish- and Im not saying not to listen to them- but its a tip provided from my holistic nutrionist friends.

Happy Halloween!

-Megan

Please stop sending money to AMERICAN CANCER SOCEITY!!!

I don't know how many times Im going to have to talk about The American Cancer Soceity. (ACS) Through almost a year of treatments and copays they were only able to give me money through their 'Mileage Reimbursement Program'. I received $50.00 - total. A check that came 4 weeks after submitting the forms. I have tried to speak to a bunch of people through their phone hotline and emails through their website. And thats the only program they could offer me... to receive money. I dont even care about the 50 bucks- But for a company.. yes COMPANY!!! NOT CHARITY!!! that makes over 800 BILLION dollars a year I just have to wonder where is it all going???

I was reading an article on http://www.preventcancer.com/ which has been written and reviewed by hundreds of pretigious scientists and experts in cancer prevention, policymakers and non governmental organizations- that have tried to trigger an investigation into 'the cancer industry' ie: ACS and NCI!!

::::Straight from the article::::

NCI's budget has increased 30 fold. From 150 million to 4.6 billion for 2003. And that the budgeted amount for 'prevention' is being overexaggerated- and how the budget is only parallelled by the escalating incidence of cancer. Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.), a leading member of Congress, is calling for an investigation by the General Accounting Office.

NCI and ACS failed to develop meaningful strategies on a wide range of causes of cancers -- such as childhood, ovarian and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma -- from avoidable exposures to industrial carcinogens, prescription drugs and diagnostic radiation.
• The Chronicle of Philanthropy, the nation's leading charity watchdog, has charged that the ACS is "more interested in accumulating wealth than in saving lives."


"The decades-long silence of the cancer establishment on a wide range of avoidable causes of cancer, other than personal lifestyle, has tacitly encouraged powerful corporate polluters and industries to continue manufacturing carcinogenic products," warns Cancer Prevention Coalition Chairman, Dr. Samuel Epstein

"This silence also reflects an effective denial of citizens' fundamental Right-to-Know, compromises their empowerment, and results in serious environmental injustice by unnecessarily sacrificing their health and welfare," warns Dr. Nicholas Ashford, a Massachusetts Institute of Technology policy expert.

So people.. I really think its time to STOP donating your money to the AMERICAN CANCER SOCEITY! There are tons of other organizations who donate straight to cancer research and to most imporantly- THE PATIENT!

Im still reading and researching a bunch of things- While also trying to find a job- and put my life back together. So if you have any comments or concerns about this article or any others- Please email me at YoungandCancerous@yahoo.com

-Health and Love-

Megan

PUERTOOO RICOOOOO

I haven't written in awhile. I found myself in a funky place a few weeks back. Just the stress of bills piling up, doctors, medicaid.. even friends and family starting to tick timers on my return to the workforce. Which I have been anticipating, but anxious about as well. I just started to well, freak out. I would have figured being cancer free for about two months now, I would have started to feel better- But I just started to have mini panic attacks, insomnia, and my energy level sucks ass. Im always tired- or wear out easily.

My mother knew I needed a vacation. I didn't really leave my apartment from Nov 2007 and most of 2008. I couldn't really 'get color' or tan during the summer for obvious chemo reasons- So I was super excited when she told me about her little trip planned for both of us for PUERTO RICO. When we went I couldn't believe I was on vacation. My mom and I have rarely been on a real vacation. We've usually gone to Virginia Beach, North Carolina beaches.. Really places that were cheap and easy for a single mom of two. And for that same reason neither of us had a passport!! I am so glad we didn't though. Because where we stayed was AMAZING. The Intercontinental Resort of San Juan. Ugh- It was unbelievable. When we first arrived we upgraded our room to oceanview and waited for it to be ready outside in the poolbar. We had gotten such a great deal from priceline for airfare and hotel at 480 a person!!! for 5 days!!! I know... I know.. FABULOUS!!!

We drank so much rum. Everywhere you went there was RUM. We were Snorkeling and had pina coladas all day on the boat. We took a all day tour out of the hotel with 'Eco-Island' and they took us to La Culebra Island. We went snorkeling for about an hour and a half but mom and I were in the water for 45 minutes flat. There were jellyfish everywhere and this bod doesn't have energy like it used to. But after the snorkeling we went around the island to Flamenco Beach. It was out of a dream. If I were to imagine a heaven, this beach would be it. The water was teal, the beach was white. It was a partly cloudy day- and the clouds were bright white and shaped like swirls of whipped cream. A perfect day. We ended up floating in the water for about an hour before being provided more coladas and a picnic lunch. Ah. That day was great. My mom spent the night lathering in aloe as I complained about not getting enough color thanks to my SPF 80!!! I didn't burn- But my skin felt like it was burnt. I assumed it was sensitive from the radiation therapy I finished about a month and a half ago. I probably shouldnt have been out at all- But I don't know where my mind would be if I didnt go on this trip. Sometimes- You really just need breather. And boy did I.

We spent most of our vacation on the beach, at the hotel's pool, hottub, eating puerto rican dishes in old san juan & we reserved one dress up night for the infamous Ruth's Chris Steakhouse- which was delissshhh. We also visited the Bacardi Rum Distillery- which was fun- But I would skip it. Its a free tour but we had to take a bus from the hotel to Old San Juan. Which was an experience in itself. We learned NOT to take the A5 which was a 45 minute ride through really crummy parts of San Juan. After making that mistake once we learned to wait for the C53 which was 20 minutes and a brand new air conditioned bus- downside: crazy woman driver with very long nails who talks on her cellphone while chucking the bus almost sideways on turns. A ride, to say the least. After the bus we had to walk to the pier- take a ferry across the bay- then a taxi from the pier to the factory. A total back and forth of 24 dollars - which isnt much- But next time Im opting to stay at the hotel pool bar and get a couple drinks there. =)
I'll be writing again very soon. I have my oncologist apt tomorrow.

=) Megan

Breast Cancer 'Awareness' Month

Well its that time of year again. Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

First of all- I don't think we need to be 'aware' anymore. Almost everyone in the entire country has had a friend or family member taken or touched by this horrible monster. Forget awareness. I can't stand that term. It should be all about PREVENTION!!!

As many fellow women lymphomers- Im sure you all have sat down with your doctors like I have- and had the 'breast cancer' talk. Something they didn't talk about with you before treatment. Why worry you anymore? right? The fact that having radiation on your chest, or having any lymphs cancerous in your chest already has given us a higher risk for potentially 'contracting' breast cancer in the future. Fabulous news after having felt undefeated by this bastard. (I have my nicknames for cancer.. Monster, Bastard, Fucking Bully! All keeping cancer true to form) =)

So I, after having had already battled the bully- have a chance of dealing with this in the future?
Hah. No. I dont think so. Not ever again.

Awareness. Breast Cancer gets 1 in every 8 women. There.. You are AWARE. But do you know of all the things that cause it? I didnt think so. I didn't either.

Most people will say that we dont know what causes cancer- and that that is what research is for. Except the truth is that the research you are donating all of your hard earned dollars for is going to genetic research. Now this is great however, on breast cancer statistics on the American Cancer Soceity website- they say only 5-10% of all breast cancer patients got their disease genetically. THAT MEANS 90-95% OF WOMEN GET BREAST CANCER FROM OTHER FACTORS!!!!!!!!!!! Do you know what those factors are?

Did you know that eating milk and cheese puts you at risk?
Or that if you have taken 'The Pill' THAT has put you at a higher risk?

I will go on when I am finished reading this AMAZING book I HAD to mention.

Being that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month-
Lets make ourselves AWARE OF RISK FACTORS!!!!

Go out and buy: 'The Breast Cancer Prevention Program'
by: Samuel S. Epstein M.D. and David Steinman with Suzanne LeVert